16 Days in WA: Woman recounts her experience of family violence for State campaign

WARNING: CONFRONTING CONTENT After enduring years of physical and emotional abuse from her former husband, a Great Southern woman finally called the police when he threatened to kill her and their children — a terrifying moment in which she “looked the devil in the eyes and lived”. Jane (not her real name) recounts her story of survival to help raise awareness for the upcoming 16 Days in WA campaign that looks to change attitudes, culture and behaviour that leads to violence against women and children. Now in its seventh year, 16 Days in WA runs from November 25 to December 10. Jane hopes that by telling her personal experience of family violence, she can make the conversation around abusive relationships louder. She refuses to let her experience of domestic violence define her, saying that her “story is so much bigger than what happened to me”. Jane met her former husband as a teenager and describes herself as a person that was incredibly independent, and had travelled the world before meeting her former partner. His controlling behaviour started early on in their relationship. Coming from a loving family background, she didn’t recognise the behaviour and signs for what they were. She’s able to pinpoint where his controlling behaviour started; when he destroyed her keyboard early on in the relationship. “I used to love music, I used to love playing music and stuff like that,” she said. “He would say he didn’t even like hearing the piano; it was too noisy, so I stopped playing when he was around. “And then he broke it, and he turned around and said ‘it doesn’t matter, you never played it anyway’.” It was little things like the destruction of her keyboard that he would do to undermine Jane’s confidence before he moved on to physical abuse that included pushing her out of a moving car, and kicking her down the street for “embarrassing” him. Jane’s abuse by her former husband included refusing to let her feed animals she owned, forcing her to watch them slowly starve. She was tied to him, financially and through their kids. “He would state that he was so desperate to be a father, he wanted to be the father his father wasn’t to him,” she said. “The first night that I took my eldest child home, he weaponised the children, he would put their safety in harm’s way to get what he wanted. “The more I would try and keep the children safe, the more the children would try and keep me safe, the more he escalated. “He got angry at the children at one point and took everything from their rooms, every individualising personal belonging out of the children’s room and burnt them in front of them. “He shot one of my pets, and this was a cat that had been hand-raised from birth. “If I tried to defend the children he would escalate towards me.” The moment Jane made the hard decision to leave her former husband was when he threatened to kill them all, which she believed. “There was something dead in his eyes, something different,” she said. “I say to people now that I’m not scared of much because I looked the devil in the eyes and lived. “I believed with every fibre of my being that he would have killed us.” When she dialled 000 that day, it was the beginning of escape from the relationship for Jane. It’s hard for her to say where she’d be if police hadn’t taken her seriously that day, saying that when police found her husband he was sitting in a shed with a loaded gun. She said that without the help of support services like Anglicare who helped her draft a family violence restraining order against her former husband, she never would have been able to see the process through. “It takes a lot, and without the support of Anglicare and my lawyers, I’m not sure I ever would have been able to do it,” she said. “But I had that support, and here I am.” Jane tells her story in the hope it makes the conversation around domestic violence louder, saying victims are in every suburb of the Great Southern. “I want people to understand that victims of DV are not just the homeless people on the street . . . they can be everyone, they can be your neighbour,” she said. “The conversation needs to get louder about our perception of DV in our responses. “They need to get bigger so that we as a community and society respond better and are more informed on trauma. “We need to learn to stand up and say ‘that’s not good enough’.” Es-Mare Van Wyk, a team leader at Albany Anglicare, said that having someone to listen and validate the abuse they are experiencing is the first step to supporting someone. “If a person has family support and strong social connections, they would most likely reach out to friends and family first,” she said. “Every person’s needs are different and unique to them. “A victim survivor might call the police to report the incident to seek protection from the person using violence.” Great Southern family violence co-ordinator Sgt Damien Smith said that it’s not just police that deal with family violence situations but also the Department of Communities and family support agencies like Anglicare. “When you think bigger than that you’ve got doctors, nurses, mental health, you’ve got housing, education, who also get involved if there’s a myriad of support agencies that are getting involved,” Sgt Smith said. “There’s a bigger network within the community that responds and offers the victim support.” Since escaping her former husband’s abuse, Jane has completed a bachelor degree. Domestic Violence Support in the Great Southern: Anglicare WA, (Albany, Denmark, Mt Barker) Great Southern Police, 000 Crisis Care, 08 9223 1111 or (free call) 1800 199 008 Albany Women’s Centre, 08 9845 6000 MensLine Australia, 1300 789 978 Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline, 08 9223 1188 or (free call) 1800 007 339 Sexual Assault Resource Centre, 08 6458 1828 or (free call) 1800 199 888 1800RESPECT National Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence Counselling Service, 1800 737 732 Full Stop Australia, 1800 385 578