Adrian Barich: Glen ‘The Big Show’ Maxwell and other fantastic nicknames

The Big Show. It’s a brilliant nickname for a sports hero and didn’t Glenn Maxwell live up to it on Tuesday night?

He played arguably the greatest innings in the history of one day cricket, hitting 201 runs off 128 balls while standing like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz due to cramp.

And before all the non-cricket loving people tune out, this isn’t a column about sport — it’s about nicknames.

Maxwell lived up to his ostentatious moniker and as much as he hates the nickname (because people wrongly think it’s self-appointed), it was certainly accurate in that game against Afghanistan at the World Cup.

Cricket’s greatest nickname, in my opinion, is in fact “Afghan”.

Aussie Test star Mark Waugh was known by that one because early in his career, he was often overshadowed by his twin brother Steve “Tugga” Waugh, also a successful Australian cricketer.

Steve, who ended up Australian captain, was promoted to the Australian team at the tender age of 20 and as a result, Mark was dubbed Afghan in reference to the 1979 Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, sometimes dubbed the “forgotten war”.

As an aside, Mark Waugh was on the receiving end of some hilarious banter when he welcomed England’s James Ormond to the crease with “What are you doing here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play test cricket”. The Englishman’s reply became the stuff of legend: “maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family”. Apparently the response had everyone on the field laughing.

But apart from Afghan, my other all-time favourite nicknames come from rugby and rugby league.

Martin Offiah, had the nickname “Chariots” due to his pace, and the fact his surname was pronounced ohh-fire. It’s believed that the England rugby anthem “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” was first sung at Twickenham while Offiah was playing in the Middlesex Sevens in 1987.

Phil “What’s-a-packet-a” Sigsworth was another beauty, often reduced to just Packeta.

St George Dragons legend Reg “Puff” (The Magic Dragon) Gasnier was another I loved, so named for his out-of-this-world skill (I also was a fan of the show when I was growing up). Possibly the cleverest of them all was Newcastle player “Waltzing” Matt Hilder.

Sometimes plain bad luck earns you a new moniker. English spin bowler Ashley Giles picked up a new nickname after some mugs were commissioned as merchandise by his county team Warwickshire. They were supposed to say “The King of Spin” but a misprint saw him forever known as “The King of Spain”.

I don’t think this was the reason my footballing friend and former Docker Matthew Burton was labelled “Spider”, but another fella I know earned the same nickname after he bought four pairs of jeans when shopping.

Other classics are a friend called “Exorcist” because he never leaves a party until all the spirits are gone. I heard of a school teacher called Brian who has an artificial eye so the kids called him Bran — Brian without the i.

And I read one recently about somebody knowing a guy called Anthony at work — he was only five foot tall, so his nickname was “Shetland Tony”. Perth’s Wayne Bruce is known as “Man Bat” while Hugh Rae was “Hip Hip”.

Arber Xhekaj, an ice hockey player on the Montreal Canadiens, has the nickname “Wifi” because his name looks like a randomly-generated password.

“Soup” is a good one for someone whose brother was Stew, but he wasn’t as thick, while a few people around the place should be dubbed “Olympic torch” as they never go out.

Someone else told me they used to call a girl at work “Krackov” as her name was Dawn.

Manchester City had a player called Kiki Musampa who was known by all as “Chris” because then he became “Christmas hamper”. Meantime Fitz Hall, the footballer, was known as “One size”.

I hosted an “Apprentice of the Year” awards night recently and was chatting about some of the nicknames the young people had heard in the workplace. One knew a “Wicket-keeper” because he puts on the gloves and stands back. Another was “Harvey Norman” — it’s been three years with no interest.

Then there was “Sensor light” because he only works if someone walks past.

“Blister” only appears when all the hard work is done. “Bushranger” is always holding everyone up. “Pothole” is always in the road. There’s “Shania” because they don’t impress you much, “Egon” as in where has he gone, and “Hostage” as someone who is always tied up with something.

“Mastercard” is someone who always takes credit for someone else’s work, and “Muffler” works for someone who is always exhausted.

Eagles coach Mick Malthouse dubbed me “Barra” and considering what others have had to carry as a nickname, I think I got away reasonably well. After all, almost half of all Aussies say that others tend to know them by their nickname over their actual name.