Nat Locke: Peace and goodwill seem to be in short supply at the shops this Christmas

So, here we are: less than a week from Christmas and I’m at the point in my Christmas shopping where I think to myself “I should probably start.” Mind you, these days most of my gifting consists of money or booze, so I consider it a great achievement that I can complete most of my Christmas prep at either the ATM or the drive-thru bottle shop.

And yes, I know that giving cash is a complete cop-out. But all of my five nieces and nephews are now aged between twelve and fifteen and there is absolutely nothing that I could buy for them that they would consider “cool” or “desirable” or even “barely acceptable.” Nothing lights up their little faces on Christmas morning quite like cold hard cash. The Lego days are long gone, I’m afraid.

To be honest, it’s a similar reaction from most of the adults when they open their bottle of wine or gin. At least you know they’re going to use it, which makes a nice change from a salad platter or a battery-operated bicycle pump. You know what I mean?

Ultimately, though, there are a few gifts that I absolutely have to make the trip to the shops for. I’m too late to order things online at this point, so, like some sort of intrepid explorer, I headed for a shopping centre.

Crikey. The naive optimism of blithely attempting to go to Garden City on a Sunday and emerge intact! Who did I think I was?

First there’s the battle for a carpark. It appears I don’t have the appropriate aggression levels to secure a parking spot. I don’t fancy stalking people walking back to their cars, or sitting still, blocking a long line of traffic, with my indicator on while some poor shopper unloads three trolleys’ worth into their boot. I just don’t have it in me. I’m more the “give up and go home” kind of shopper, which explains why I haven’t done a whole lot to this point.

But as bad as it might be for me, and the other carpark trawlers, I can only imagine how awful it is for retail workers at this time of year. First of all, they have been listening to Christmas carols non-stop for the last two months, which I’m pretty sure is an abuse of basic human rights. Then they might have to wear novelty reindeer antlers, which, in my experience and after about twenty minutes, gives you a thumping headache (or maybe my head is just too big for the headband). Throw in some sparkly earrings that leave glitter everywhere and “festive misery” becomes a real thing. And that’s before they have to deal with actual customers.

Because, let’s be real here, customers are awful at this time of year. They’re stressed because they can’t find the exact shade of lip gloss that their fourteen-year-old daughter has requested. They’re fraught because they have been waiting to pay at the register for twenty five minutes and the customer at the front of the queue has just asked the shop assistant to gift wrap fourteen separate things. And they’re frustrated because they frankly have no idea what to buy anyone. Peace and goodwill are in short supply.

I have taken to asking retail assistants how they’re going. “No,” I say when they say they’re fine. “How are you REALLY going?” At this point, their eyes sometimes well up, so I just nod at them sagely. I’m really nice like that. I remind them to stay strong as I sashay away humming “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” because apparently, he is and there’s nothing we can do about it.

So, kind people, can I remind you to smile at the workers this week. Sure, you might have to wait a long time at the seafood place to buy your two kilos of prawns, but you’re still better off than the poor people who have to serve you. Every checkout operator, postal worker, retail assistant or shopping centre Santa is having a worse time than you. You can bail out at any time and go home for a gin and tonic (even if it’s 10am — I won’t tell!), but they’re stuck there for the whole day. And then they have to front up again tomorrow. So, thoughts and prayers and a little bit of empathy for them, please.

In the meantime, I’m on holidays, so I’ve got time to burn. You can find me enjoying my new hobby of sitting in my car in a shopping centre carpark with the reverse lights on. Not moving. Just sitting there. Judging by all the honking, people are very supportive of my new interest.

And speaking of holidays, I’ll be taking a little break from this column, but fear not! My musings will be back on February 6. Have a great Christmas, friends, and be nice to one another.